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DISCLAIMER:  Antoinette Datoc is NEITHER a licensed therapist NOR a medical professional. She is, however, a natural-born advice giver who adheres strictly to the tenet that humor is the best medicine for what ails you. Even if you think her advice is lousy, you can bet it'll make you laugh out loud. In the end, that’s what matters because if you’re laughing at least you’re not crying.

DEAR ANT:  What do you do about moochers who show up uninvited at your house every weekend, hang around all day and expect dinner?  My husband thinks we should just ignore them and go about our business.  That’s all well and good, but what do I do when dinnertime rolls around and they’re still here?  FED UP WITH FEEDING MOOCHERS

DEAR FED UP:  The only moochers who hang around my house all day and expect to be fed sprang from my womb.  I kind of like having them around so while I can't lay claim to having sorted out this kind of problem for myself, I'll give it a go.

     Have you politely asked these people to call before dropping over?  If so, I agree with your husband.  Ignore these freeloaders and start by doing it when they first ring your doorbell, knock on your door, or peer through the curtains to see if you’re home.

     If they somehow end up on your living room sofa with their feet propped up on the coffee table anyway, greet them cheerfully.

     “It’s so nice of you to drop by.  Saturdays are our days to catch up on things around the house so you’ll have to excuse us if we don’t sit and visit,” and go about your business. 

     Most folks, even those who are not particularly skilled at reading social signals, will get the hint and make an exit after a few minutes.

     If these particular moochers are so incredibly dense (and I speculate they are) that they're still loitering underfoot by the time the clock strikes 5, I say it's time to mount an offensive strike.  Head for the kitchen to prepare dinner.  Set the table…for two.  That’s right, put out only two place settings and announce dinner is served. 

     When the moochers get to the table they will find you have not included them in the meal.  That’s when you sheepishly confess.

     “I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but since I wasn’t expecting you there’s only enough food for two.  You’re certainly welcome to sit with us while we eat.  I know you must be hungry so I completely understand if you need to leave. Can I get you a glass of water?”

     Short of hitting them over the heads with a baseball bat while shouting YOU’VE OVERSTAYED YOUR WELCOME, the table-for-two routine should do the trick. 

     Alternately, you could beat them at their own game.  Early one Saturday morning you and your husband pop in on the moochers.  Plop down on their sofa, make yourself comfortable, and stay there all day monopolizing the t.v. remote,  See what happens.  Make sure to eat a good breakfast because you may not get dinner, but if you’re lucky you won’t get another visit either.

     Good luck.  Let me know if it works. --ANT 

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