How Do You Handle Bullying?

Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council of experts and smart moms take your questions, give advice and share solutions.

Moms, dads, grandparents and the diverse families who make up our community will have a new resource for questions about local neighborhood schools, the best pediatricians, 24-hour pharmacies and the thousands of other issues that arise while raising children.

Moms Talk will also be the place to drop in for a talk about the latest parenting hot topic. So grab a cup of coffee and settle in as we start the conversation today with a question: How do you deal with bullying with your children?

Kim Koch: What do you tell your child if you suspect they are being bullied? Should you confront the other parents yourself?  You start out telling them to be a better person and ignore it. Sometimes that will make it stop. If it doesn’t stop, you talk to the teachers and administration at the school. If that doesn’t work, you go to the parent and  figure out why their child is such a jerk. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. After that you report it to the police and/or remove your child from the school.

Are schools doing enough to prevent bullying? Honestly, from my perspective, no. I recently attended a seminar where it was discussed. It was in a group of youth that are more likely to bully or be bullied. There was an open dialogue among the administrators and they have figured out that a lot of it comes from home and media. The one thing that I have seen in my experience is it can even come from school employees. No one wants to be accountable anymore. Parents and schools have become afraid of discipline.I had one school principal tell me, "We don't want to suspend the child that randomly hits others in  the back of the head. They are already part of the system and sending them home would not be a safe place for them." What about school being a safe place for a decent person? The system has become a police state run more like a jail than an institution of learning.

How do you know if your child is a bully and what do you tell them? If your child tends to either follow or lead, but can’t do both with wisdom, chances are they are involved in some way. If you feel your child is a bully, you should talk with them about personal choices. Have them work a food kitchen for less fortunate or volunteer for youth with special needs under your supervision. Teach them from a young age that just because someone is different than them, or has a medical condition, that they are still human and should be treated as such. Just because someone is different doesn’t mean they don’t have some special talent. A lot of the time, bullying is created due to a lack of self esteem in the bully and jealousy.

Jan Katz-Kellogg: Lately, I have seen several TV accounts of teen suicides stemming from being bullied by peers. At first I was horrified, wondering how things could have possibly gotten this far. Then I began looking more closely at these incidents and realized bullying has always existed but new technology-social media especially-has made bullying a whole lot easier, more powerful (in groups) and super cruel. (Some cowardly, mean kids will post something for the masses to see, yet, would never have the nerve to do so in person.)

At 15-years-old, my son is at a prime age for bullying to happen-from either side. He is at a stage in his life that he is shaping the views and values which will determine the man he will become. Childhood friends are slowly turning into “jocks,” or “freaks,” and some girls are “good” or “trashy.” While these labels are no different from the ones we had in high over 30 years ago, the dangers of labeling-and the potential for bullying-is much greater. A text message, photo or Facebook post can take an embarrassing moment or careless words and completely humiliate a young person by broadcasting to the “world.” At an age where everything is dramatic anyway, these words can be devastating, even lethal. “Kidding” can really become “bullying.”

I discuss these issues with my son on a regular basis and try to get him to see the danger in labeling anyone. For example, what if people thought that because he’s a “jock” and a great athlete that he wasn’t also really smart?  Which he is.  And I’m sure some of those poor young girls that are branded “trashy” haven’t really earned the title. So I talk to him about the importance of paying attention to the person, not the label. I also regularly check his Facebook posts to make sure the lighthearted jabs stay lighthearted.( Facebook has way more power than it should over our young people!)

Peer pressure to do and be what the crowd is and does is strong.

Being different in any way–good or bad–can foster bullying. I try to teach my son to embrace people for their differences-it’s what makes them unique. And to be the one who steps in if he sees anyone being bullied. As a good, athletic and popular kid, it is his duty to be that person. It sets an example. And I see him doing it. He will seek out the person who’s being “left out” in a group to chat. And his friends aren’t from one particular group. I like what I see.

Being the best at anything requires having unique or different skills than the rest. If we can teach our kids to appreciate our differences, we have not only conquered bullying, we will create a world of possibilities, solutions and harmony.