Hey folks! I’m back from a quick, one-week hiatus, and I just wanted to thank you all for your support while I was gone.
I received a whopping zero messages asking me, "Where's the column?!"
Obviously, I was very flattered and inspired to return this week with another batch of the best local classified ads. I do it all for you, Diamond Bar!
Here are this week’s items:
If you’ve watched TV lately, you’ve no doubt seen those iPhone commercials that end with this marketing gem: “If you don’t have an iPhone, well…you don’t have an iPhone.”
On a scale of 1-10, this slogan probably ranks at a solid 10 for obnoxiousness… at least, that’s what I used to think.
But I had a change of heart when I saw this seller’s classified ad for an iPhone. After undertaking a critical analysis comparing the seller’s picture of his item to the footage in the snarky Apple commercial, I’ve come to this conclusion:
I don't think he has an iPhone.
The item description is in Spanish, and it’s been awhile since I was sitting in Mr. Valenzuela’s Spanish class during freshman year of high school, so I had to turn to Google Translate to see if I could dig up any additional information.
I didn’t find out much, but even if whatever that thing is had iPhone-like capabilities, I don’t think you’d want to turn on the GPS. Not out of privacy concerns, but because you’d be genuinely embarrassed if someone tracked you down and found out you actually bought this rip off that someone tried to pass off on you as an iPhone.
Compared to her Hollywood contemporaries like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton has kept a relatively low profile these days, occasionally crashing the press conferences of Filipino world champion boxers, but otherwise staying out of the limelight (when will she make a sequel to "The Hottie & the Nottie"?! The first one left me with so many unanswered questions!).
So, imagine my surprise when I found this blouse with Ms. Hilton’s likeness on it. The seller says it’s “never been worned” (I can’t imagine why) with an “original prize” of $38 (which is exactly 38 dollars too much).
You might think that no one in their right mind would willingly wear this top, but I think it would be a great buy for hipsters, who can flaunt it ironically to make a bold commentary on the merits of "fame" in the dark decade known as “The Aughts.”
Still, they’d be hard pressed to wear this and manage to walk down the street without being mocked… and it won’t be because they’re a hipster.
“OH MY GOD!!!!!”
If you’re like me, that’s probably what you said to yourself when you read the title. I assumed the worst when I saw it… I mean, I’ve seen some pretty ugly items over these past few months of writing this column—like Paris Hilton blouses—but a commercial guide to carving up man’s best friend is on a whole other level.
However, further research reveals this is a medical book that veterinarians use to study the anatomy of a dog.
Well, that’s a relief. Pet surgery is best left to the experts, but if times are hard and I need to self-perform open heart surgery on old Fido to save a few bucks (and Dr. Nick Riviera is unavailable), at least I know where to find the info the the pros rely on.